


Crash the Universe

by xhorizen



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Brother/Brother Incest, Incest, M/M, The Walk Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2019-10-31 19:30:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17855636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xhorizen/pseuds/xhorizen
Summary: After"The Walk"tour, Zac and Taylor have to deal with the fallout of Isaac and his alcoholism





	1. Chapter 1

Drunk Zac was probably one of my favorite Zac’s to exist. It sounds awful, I know, shouldn’t I love my brother for the person he is when he isn’t under the influence of some kind of substances? But sober Zac was… Uptight. There wasn’t another word for it, really. He plays it off to the fans that he’s the goofy one, out of control and always laughing, but in reality, he is more Type A than I am, just… In very different ways. People tend to think that I’m the control freak of the group, and while they aren’t necessarily wrong, Zac is worse. He likes structure – But it’s his own structure, not anyone else’s. His structure tends to look a lot like chaos, and it drive me up the damn wall, but that’s just how he always has been, and I’m sure he always will be. I love him no matter what, but when he’s drunk, he is a completely different person.

He was 16 the first time we got drunk together. We had had a long day recording song after song after song, and we both knew we needed to blow off some steam. Isaac had left as soon as he possibly could in order to go on a date with some girl he’d met somewhere, I hadn’t cared enough I actually listen to the details, which left Zac and I to our own devices. I snuck a few beers from the fridge and brought them up to the tree house in the backyard, even though we’d clearly grown out of it. We had a good time, the beer strong enough on our inexperienced bodies to loosen our lips and clear our brains of all of the stress we went through. It was probably the first time I’d seen Zac truly relaxed, at least since we were little kids. It struck me as odd, and then it just made me sad because he had grown up so quickly, and never really had a chance to be a kid. We got signed to a record deal when he was 10 and he’d been forced to grow up even faster than Isaac or I had. I tried to talk to him about it, to tell him how sorry I was for it, but his face scrunched up and I instantly missed the relaxed look on his face, so I just let it drop.

Our relationship seemed to change after that night. We’d always been close, but after that, it seemed to me as though we were inseparable. Once we opened our own record label, we were spending so much time together, and everyone thought we would end up killing each other, but we made it through pretty easily. Isaac needed more time away from us than we needed from each other, but really, once he was gone, it was easier to exist. The small touches that lingered too long, the looks that were a tad inappropriate for the relationship we had, they were easier to just let happen when there wasn’t the chance of someone on the outside judging and calling attention to how wrong it was.

We never talked about it, hell, I was fully convinced at one point it was all in my head, and we lived our lives. Isaac got married and moved out of our parents’ house, which prompted Zac and me to consider doing the same. We were adults, as it were, and living with our parents seemed to be so cliché, especially when you consider that we were “rock stars”. Mom was fully against the idea, we toured so much after all, why pay rent or a mortgage on a place we never saw, but we couldn’t be talked out of it. Without even discussing it, we knew we were going to find a place together. I saw judgment in Isaac’s eyes when we told everyone we’d found a condo in downtown Tulsa we were going to buy – He looked as though he wanted to comment on how it was weird for two fully grown men to live together when they didn’t really need to, but luckily he kept his mouth shut.

Living with Zac was easier than I could have imagined. We had shared a room for years, and even after that, we were so used to being in each other’s personal space that sharing 1000 square feet wasn’t even a little bit hard. I knew his mood’s better than anyone, I could tell when he needed to be alone, I could tell when he wanted to talk, and most of all, I knew when he needed someone to just be there to exist with him in silence. We spent a lot of time together doing just that, actually, drinking a few beers and watching mindless TV. Our downtimes between tours were precious to us – We used the time to unwind and decompress in ways we absolutely couldn’t do on the road. On the road, there was always someone watching, whether it was Isaac or a roadie or fans, it was hard to be able to just act normal and natural. The longer we were on tour, the more I longed for the nights where I wasn’t on edge, where I could just relax and not have to worry whether my every move was being scrutinized by someone for some reason or another. I know, poor little rock star, my life is so rough, but sometimes, I wished I could just exist without having to worry about pleasing someone.

Drunk Zac really only ever happened in the comfort of our own home. He didn’t like losing control, but he especially didn’t like losing control around people he didn’t trust. After a show, we made a habit of going to a local bar for food and drinks, but Zac always stuck to soda. Isaac and I were known to imbibe a little, or a lot rather, and more often than not, Zac had to make sure he got our drunk asses back to our hotel room or to the bus without making complete asses our of ourselves. Isaac liked to fight when he was drunk, mostly with Zac, and it was really hard to watch. I knew that our little brother was just looking out for us, but Isaac seemed to think he was babying us and treating us as inferiors, and no matter what anyone said to the contrary, Isaac was right and that was final.

The final straw came on the last show of The Walk tour. Tensions had been running high for weeks, we were all exhausted and agitated, but Isaac was the worst of us all. His wife, Nikki, was pregnant with their second child and he missed both her and their son like crazy. I tried to be sympathetic, I know if I had a wife and kids back home, I would miss them too, but Isaac’s attitude just made it damn near impossible to be sympathetic. The concert that night was rough, I tried to have fun with it, but Isaac barely smiled and it seemed like every time I looked at him, he was glaring back at Zac for some reason or another. I tried to keep an eye on them because the last thing we needed was to have an all-out brawl on stage, but it was hard enough playing and singing and keeping a crown entertained – I couldn’t babysit my brothers too. I was sure the audience could tell something was wrong with us, the front row girls kept giving each other side eyes and mumbling to each other, but again, it was hard enough to do my job let alone pay attention to anything extraneous. I didn’t even realize something had happened until the entire front half of the audience stopped singing along with me and just stared at the stage as though it was on fire. I looked over my left shoulder and couldn’t believe what I saw – Isaac was in front of Zac’s drum set, his back to the audience, and he was yelling at him. I tried to keep playing and distract the audience, but then all of a sudden, Zac threw one drumstick, then the other at Isaac, got up from his drunk kit, and stormed off the stage. My jaw dropped as Isaac unplugged his guitar and went after him, looking as though he was ready to kill him. I whipped my head around to look back at the crowd and felt more embarrassed than I’d ever felt in my entire life.

“Um, well folks, it looks like we’re experiencing some technical difficulty. Give us just a minute and we’ll be right back!” I followed in my brother’s footsteps, hoping to catch them before they did something we would all regret. Shouts came from the green room and I ran, pushing the door open just in time to see Isaac shove Zac into the brick wall.

“Keep your hands off of me!” Zac pushed Isaac back, trying to get enough space to get around him, but Isaac didn’t know how to take a hint. He crowded Zac again and shoved him back up against the wall, getting into his face.

“Isaac, back the fuck off!” I rushed to the pair of them and tried to get in between them, I could see the fury and the fear in Zac’s eyes, and I couldn’t help but want to rescue him.

“This doesn’t have anything to do with you, Taylor!” Isaac’s face was red and I’ve never heard that much malice in his voice before. He pushed me out of the way and I stumbled back, falling onto the couch.

“What the hell is your problem, Isaac?!” Zac put his hands up, trying to keep distance between the two of them, but Isaac just crowded into his space again.

“I’m so sick of you and your holier than thou attitude, that’s what’s wrong!” I could see spit flying from Isaac’s mouth and landing on Zac’s face and I got up to try to intervene again. Zac looked over at me and shook his head a little, and though it was against my better judgement, I stayed where I was.

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about!” Zac’s voice was starting to shake, I knew it was because he didn’t have any kind of control in the situation and it was killing him.

“Oh please, you’ve been throwing judgement around this whole damn tour, acting like you’re some kind of saint because you don’t drink! Newsflash for you Zac, but that just makes you a loser!”

“Just because I don’t like to drink doesn’t mean I’m a loser, but even if it did, I’d rather be a loser than a fucking alcoholic!” My eyes opened wide, Zac and I had had conversations worrying about Isaac’s alcohol consumption before, but I never would have imagined calling him an alcoholic to his face like that. Isaac was clearly taken aback by it as well because his face turned even redder than it already was and he looked more pissed than I’d ever seen him.

“I’d rather be an alcoholic than be a fucking perverted freak who’s in love with their own brother!” Before I could even really comprehend the words that had come out of his mouth, Zac’s fist made contact with Isaac’s jaw and Isaac dropped to the ground. Zac hopped on top of him and started punching him in the face, then in the chest, then in the stomach, anywhere he could reach. Isaac’s cries of pain finally snapped me out of whatever daze I was in and I jumped into the fray, pulling Zac off of him with all of my strength. Zac struggled for a few seconds, but once he realized it was me who had pulled him off, he slumped back against my chest. It took me a second to realize that he was crying and I knew I had to do something.

“Isaac, you need to leave. The concert is over, get the fuck out of here.” It took more effort than I imagined to keep my voice level, but I managed to do so, even though all I really wanted to do was rip his throat out.

“Fuck you both, you deserve each other, fucking perverts.” He stumbled to his feet and made it out of the green room. I listened to his footsteps until I couldn’t hear them anymore before turning my attention to Zac. I wanted to say something, anything to make the situation better, but I didn’t have the words. For the first time in my life, I had no idea what the hell to say, so I simply moved us to the couch and sat down before throwing an arm over Zac’s shoulder to let him cry it out.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, I woke up to a text from Nikki letting me know that she’d spoken with Isaac and he was booked for a flight home at 10am. A quick glance at the clock told me it was only 7, and I had no idea where we were. Zac and I had gotten onto the bus shortly after the fight that night, managing to avoid the fans who were confused as to why the show ended so early. We made the call to start driving back to Tulsa, leaving Isaac to his own devices. Mom and dad were probably going to be super pissed when they found out what we’d done, but as far as I was concerned, Isaac was no longer a member of the band anyway.

Zac was sitting on the couch in the front of the bus, staring blankly at the TV that was turned on to some kind of stupid show that I knew he didn’t have any kind of interest in actually watching. I sat down next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“You doing okay?” He shrugged and looked down at his lap, clasping his hands together.

“I’m really sorry about last night.”

“Zac, it wasn’t your fault, Isaac started it.” Zac bit his lower lip and shrugged again.

“I guess. I shouldn’t have lost my cool though, I don’t know why I let him get under my skin like that.”

“He’s always had that ability to do that. Ever since we were teenagers, it’s like he knows exactly what to say to you to make you flip out. It’s just what brothers do.” Zac gave me yet another shrug and I wanted to shake him.

“I hate it when he drinks. He’s a lot meaner when he’s drunk, have you realized that?” Confusion settled in as I thought back to the past few months, trying to think about when I had seen Isaac drunk.

“I mean, yeah, I guess so, but he’s only drinking after shows, so I don’t know what caused him to freak out yesterday.” Zac snorted and looked up at me like I was crazy.

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Taylor. We’ve talked about how much he drinks before, you have to have seen it!”

“Uhhh, yeah, I’ve seen him drink, Zac, I just said that.” He rolled his eyes and ran his hands through his hair.

“He’s drunk all the time, Tay! I’ve had my suspicions for a while, but a couple of months ago, I saw him drinking from a flask at 8 in the morning and it all kind of clicked together. He’s drunk all the time, he’s a functional alcoholic, how can you have missed that?” My hand fell from Zac’s shoulder and hit the couch with a dull thud as I thought back to the past few months, the past few years. Isaac had become a lot more hostile since his first son had been born, and it did seem like he was drinking more, but I was so wrapped up in my own life that I only ever noticed it when he was doing it right in front of me.

“I really just… Never saw it.” I hung my head and looked down at my lap before closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. How could my brother have been in so much trouble and I didn’t even realize it?  
“Well, I don’t think Nikki realizes it either, but she’s seen him less in the past couple of years than we have, so I can’t really fault her for that.”

“Do we tell her?” I looked up and met his gaze. Something flashed in his eyes, I wasn’t really sure what, it almost looked like fear, but… I couldn’t place it, and that scared me - I’d never _not_ been able to read Zac’s emotions.

“After what happened last night, the last thing I want to do is be anywhere near him.” I nodded, understanding his position. If Isaac and I had been the ones in that fight last night, I’d probably never speak to him again.

“So uh…” I trailed off, trying to figure out how to phrase my question. “What exactly did he mean by what he said last night?” Zac’s cheeks flushed red and he broke eye contact with me, instead looking back at the TV in front of us.

“He was just being an asshole, trying to make me mad.” His words came out in a low voice and rushed, as though he was trying to bury the conversation. I wanted to push him, obviously Isaac had touched on a hot nerve or else Zac wouldn’t have beat him up like he did, but there was a slight tremble to his voice that made me back off.

“I’m always here for you if you ever want to talk, you know.” Zac nodded his head, though he didn’t look at me.

“Yeah, I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh oh my gosh you guys, thank you so much for all of the feedback on this one so far! I've enjoyed writing it and I'm so glad you've enjoyed reading it so far! Hope you liked chapter two, let me know!


	3. Chapter 3

Something changed in Zac after we got home. It was like his fight with Isaac had changed something inside of him and I can’t really say that I liked it. We didn’t talk as much as we used to, we didn’t hang out as much, and when we did, there was some kind of strange tension that never used to be there. I tried to make it like it used to be, like nothing had happened, but any time I tried to brush a hair out of his face or lean my head against his shoulder, he shied away from my touch. Isaac’s words echoed in my head time and time again, though I didn’t understand how it could be possible, and even if it was, why would Zac be the one avoiding me? Shouldn’t it be the other way around, me avoiding him? But I didn’t even have a reason to avoid him because Isaac was just being an asshole… Right? 

Any time I entered the room anymore, Zac would get up and leave, making some kind of lame excuse, like he needed to go call our parents or he thought of something he wanted to write. If it was anyone else, I wouldn’t even care about the lies, hell, I probably wouldn’t even realize they were lying to me, but this was Zac, and he was almost an extension of me, so the lying hurt more than I could even really express. I wanted to talk to him about it, but if he needed space, well, he needed space, and I figured I might as well give it to him. The last thing I needed was to get into a fight with him as well as Isaac. 

Well, Isaac was less of a fight and more of a lack of acknowledgement that he existed. I was worried about him, sure, so I kept tabs on him through Nikki, but I refused to talk to him. He messed up and it was up to him to fix things, though it was likely that wouldn’t happen any time soon since he would need to admit to having a problem in order to solve any of the mess that he’d created. Nikki seemed to be none the wiser to his drinking issues, she tried to get me to tell her what the fight had been about, but I stuck to the party line of “Not my business, ask your husband” and wouldn’t let her pry it out of me. I felt bad, she really deserved to know the truth, especially if Isaac was as bad as Zac had said, but… Not my business. 

It was the end of the summer before things between Zac and me started to feel like maybe they were getting back to normal. I’d stuck to my plan and let him have his space, though it practically killed me to do it, and finally he started to come around. One particularly hot night in July, I was out in the backyard cooking some burgers on the grill for dinner and he joined me, handing me an open beer. I glanced over at him and from the look in his eyes, he’d already had a couple of drinks and was loose enough to be called drunk Zac. I smiled and tilted the beer in a mock cheers before taking a sip. 

“You ready to head into the studio tomorrow?” He and I had made a plan earlier in the week to go in and go through our mail, emails, and all of the stuff we’d seriously been neglecting since we’d gotten home from tour. Nikki had told us Isaac had been there a couple of times to take care of the more pressing issues, but with another tour starting up in the fall, we had to get our butts into gear. And we needed to practice, which would be hard considering Isaac wanted nothing to do with the two of us… And us him, honestly. 

“Not really. I feel like it’s just gonna cause so much stress and I’ve kind of enjoyed the off time this summer.” 

“Yeah, I know what you mean, but you’ve gotta miss the music, right? I know I do, I feel like I’m missing a limb.” 

“I guess. I dunno, I’ve been spending a lot of time painting lately and it’s just made me wonder what life would have been like if we hadn’t formed a band, or even if we had, if we’d never gotten signed, ya know?” My heart jumped into my throat and I had to swallow a few times before I could speak. 

“I think that’s normal to think that way though, Zac, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Time off is great, but then you have to come back to reality.” I drained my beer and Zac took the empty bottle as I flipped the burgers. 

“I guess so.” He didn’t sound convinced, the tone in his voice enough to make me nervous. Was he trying to tell me something? Did he want to quit the band? “I don’t want to quit the band, Taylor, I can see that written all over your face, don’t swallow your tongue.” I couldn’t stop the loud, barking laugh from bursting out of my mouth. I was never good at hiding my emotions from him. 

“Well sorry, but when you say things like that, it sounds like you’re thinking of quitting!” Zac reached out a hand and put it on the back of my neck, giving it a reassuring squeeze. I almost jumped, it had been so long since he’d touched me like that, but it felt so good and familiar and I realized just how much I missed it. 

“I’d never quit you, you idiot.” He finished off his beer and gestured to the burgers. “I think those are done, unless you’re going for the charbroiled taste.” He smiled and walked inside, leaving me to finish up. Knots formed in my stomach as I watched him leave, though I don’t think they were bad ones. Maybe they were… Butterflies? But why? No. I was just feeling the effects of the beer already, surely. That had to be it.

\--

Isaac’s SUV was parked in front of the studio when we pulled up the next morning. Zac groaned from the passenger’s seat and looked over at me. I didn’t have to look back at him to see that he was going to beg me to go home. 

“We’re staying, we have work to do and we need to be adults about it, okay?” I looked over at him and he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before giving up. 

“For the record, I’m really not happy about this.” He got out of the car and slammed the door behind him before stalking inside. I rolled my eyes and followed after, balancing my coffee and my car keys as I got the door open. As I made my way to my desk, I peeked into the rooms I passed and didn’t see our older brother, which only meant one thing - He was in the office. I bit my lip and mentally prepared myself for the battle I was sure to encounter when I walked in. 

Isaac and Zac were both sitting at their desks, backs to each other, immersed in their computer screens. Isaac looked like he was actually into it, but I knew Zac and his body language suggested he wasn’t paying any attention to the screen in front of him and instead was focusing on ignoring the person behind him. 

“Oh um, hey.” I dropped my keys in front of my computer and took a sip of coffee before sitting down. “We didn’t know you’d be here today.” Isaac didn’t even bother to look at me before speaking. 

“Yeah, you don’t know a lot of things Taylor, you’d need to talk to me in order for that to happen.” Ahhh, so he was already ready for a fight. I was itching to reply, to tell him how this was all of his fault, but instead, I took a deep breath, counted to three, and turned to my computer. 

“We need to finalize the setlist for this tour, and we need to go over accommodations.” 

“I know how to prepare for a tour, Taylor, this isn’t my first rodeo. Stop acting like my father.” I shoved back from my desk and turned around in my chair, glaring at him. 

“Can you take that damn chip off of your shoulder and act like you’re a professional, at your fucking job? We don’t have time for you to act like a child.” Isaac spun around and I finally got a good look at him. His eyes were bloodshot and he had bags under his eyes that made him appear 20 years older than he was. His shirt was wrinkled, which was insanely weird for him, he always looked so put together, and it had a stain on the front of it. I don’t think I’d ever seen him look so unkempt and genuinely awful before. 

“Oh here we go, you can’t even go 20 minutes before you start in on telling me how to act and how to do my job. Thanks, Taylor, I forgot for a minute just why I was so sick of the two of you.” He got up from his chair and grabbed his car keys. “You know what? I’m done. I’m absolutely fucking done. I have a family to take care of and the last thing I want is to be talked down to by the two of you.” He walked to the door of the office and turned around. “In case you don’t get it, I quit. Have fun being Hanson without me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh thank you guys so much for all of the feedback! This one has been so much fun to write, I don't normally make any of them super mean or jerks or anything, and Isaac is just... Well, he's got a reason, but it still hurts! Thank you for continuing to read!!!


	4. Chapter 4

I drove Zac and I back to our house in a daze after Isaac left. I don’t remember the drive, or even getting into the house, but as soon as I sat down at the kitchen table, the situation washed over me, Isaac’s words finally sinking in.

“Do you really think he means it?” My voice sounded rough, almost like I was about to cry, and I cleared my throat in an effort to sound more secure than I felt. “Do you really think he’d quit just like that?” I turned to look at Zac as he sat down next to me. He shrugged and folded his hands in his lap, looking down at them.

“I don’t even know anymore. He’s this completely different person lately, the old Isaac wouldn’t do that, but this one…” He trailed off and I didn’t even have to ask in order to understand what he meant. Isaac really was changing because of the alcohol.

“Maybe a few more days of silence from us will be what he needs. Maybe he just needs to cool off?” I didn’t even believe the words as I spoke them, but someone had to have hope, someone had to be the level headed one.

“He needs help, Tay, he isn’t suddenly gonna change his mind with a few days off.” He looked up at me and I could see the thoughts rolling around in his head before he got up the courage to say them. “I think maybe we need to talk to mom and dad, and maybe Nikki, too. They need to know what’s going on with him.”

“Zac, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. I know you think he’s a full blown alcoholic, but he’s probably just stressed and blowing off some steam.” Again, I didn’t believe the words coming out of my own mouth, but admitting that our older brother needed help, rehab, something that we couldn’t just do for him was hard. Isaac wasn’t supposed to be the one to break, he was the oldest, he had the best head on his shoulders. Zac groaned and threw his hands up on the air. 

“Taylor, seriously? It’s like we didn’t even have the conversation we had the other day! He had problems, you know this, I know this! Mom and dad and Nikki need to know, too.” I bit my lip and shrugged.

“What if we get involved and he gets so mad that he never talks to us again?” Zac looked me in the eye, a look of resignation on his face. 

“I’d rather he hate me for trying to get him better than have him treat me like shit and do nothing about it. He needs help or he’s going to end up dead a lot sooner than he should.” My stomach lurched at those words and I almost bolted up from my chair to the bathroom to throw up. 

“Okay. You’re right. He needs help and we can’t do it for him.” I paused and bit my lip, thinking for a minute before speaking again. “Mom and dad should be at their place, do you want to go now?”

“Not really, but yeah, we need to. Isaac needs help and fast.” The strength that Zac had been exuding finally seemed to crack and when he opened his eyes, they were filled with tears. I got up from my chair and walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. He turned his head and pressed his face into my chest, letting the tears come out. 

“I can’t lose him, Tay. He’s my big brother.” A lump formed in my throat and I had to swallow hard a few times to make it go away before I could speak. 

“I know, Zac, I know.” How could I comfort Zac when I was starting to have the same exact fears as he was?

\--

Our visit with our parents went a lot different than expected. I really thought they would jump to the rescue to try to fix everything like they normally did. I fully expected them to start calling rehab’s and trying to find a place to take Isaac in by the next day, but when we told them what we suspected, mom just looked at dad with a sad look on her face, and then looked back at us.

“Yes, we’ve had a sneaking suspicion about this for a while now.” My jaw dropped, anger filling every fiber of my being.

“What the hell do you mean you’re had a suspicion?! Why haven’t you done anything?!”

“Jordan Taylor, you will not speak to your mother that way!” Dad raised his voice and I immediately shrank back into my spot on the couch. He always had a way of making me feel like I was a child again.

“Nikki spoke with us a couple of months ago, she’s been worried about him, and he’s been acting different, lashing out about anything and everything, and keeping weird hours.” Mom gave Dad a sharp look to shut him up as she tried to explain. “But you have to understand, if he doesn’t want help, he won’t get better.” I threw my hands up in the air and groaned.

“Okay, so logically I know that, I even told Zac the same thing, but it’s gotten bad! He quit the band this morning!”

“He did what?!” Mom and dad spoke in unison and the looks on their faces would have been comical if the situation were any different.

“I was trying to go over travel plans for tour and he just got all pissy and told us he quit.” Mom gave me a suspicious look and I tried not to look away for fear she would be able to tell what exactly I’d said to him to make him so upset.

“You’re sure you didn’t say anything that would provoke him?” Zac jumped in, trying to protect me.

“I mean, okay so Taylor wasn’t the most eloquent, but really, Isaac had no reason to react the way he did, mom. Honestly, we’re really just worried about him at this point.” Mom sighed and gave a little shrug that seemed to suggest she had given up. 

“I don’t know what to tell you, honey. Isaac is a grown man, he can make his own choices. Your father and I will talk to him, but it’s likely he won’t want to hear what we have to say. People with problems like this rarely do.” 

“Yeah, well, it’s better that you try instead of just pretending it doesn’t exist.” I muttered before gasping in pain as Zac elbowed me in the ribcage. 

“Thanks, mom.” He smiled at them placatingly, throwing a small glare my way. “We’re going to head back home, now, and let you… Do whatever you need to do.” He got up from the table and I followed as quick as possible. If I could run out to the car, I most definitely would. Mom wouldn’t let us leave without hugs goodbye, of course, and that took another 30 minutes, a good old fashioned Southern goodbye. By the time we back were in the car, it was almost time for dinner and I was starving. 

“Mexican?” Zac nodded and I took off downtown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still blown away by the responses to this! thank you everyone for the feedback and I hope you continue to like it!


	5. Chapter 5

The studio was quiet for the next few days that Zac and I went in. We didn’t want to cancel the tour, just in case Isaac was bluffing and wasn’t actually quitting, so we simply kept moving along the way we normally would with an impending tour - We booked hotel rooms, finalized setlists, and started rehearsing. Isaac’s absence was a gaping hole no matter what we did, however, and by the third day in the studio, I was feeling as though everything was a lost cause. We were trying to get through _”Crazy/Beautiful”_ , but my fingers kept fumbling the keys during the second verse and by the third time it happened, I was ready to kill myself or someone else.

“FUCK!” I shouted, slamming my hands down on the keys, causing an awful sound to echo through the room. Zac stopped playing his drums abruptly and I looked back at him, feeling a little bit ashamed of my outburst.   
“We should take a break.” He said softly as he moved from behind his drum kit. He walked over to me and placed a hand on my upper back, rubbing it back and forth a little in the soothing manner I liked so much. I leaned back into his touch, closing my eyes as I tried to let all of the tension melt out of my body. “You’re wound tighter than a slinky, you know that?” I could hear the smile in Zac’s voice, but I couldn’t find the humor in it - I was wound tight and I didn’t know how to make myself feel better. Anything I tried just made it worse, it seemed. I heard shuffling behind me and then both of Zac’s hands were on my back, his thumbs pressing into my neck, starting to knead out the most painful of the knows. 

“Oh god.” I moaned, leaning my head forward, letting my chin drop to my chest as I enjoyed the feeling. It had been so long since I’d had any kind of massage, even just one from my brother, and it felt like heaven. 

“God, how do you even function.” Zac muttered under his breath as he moved his hands down my spine, fingers dancing along the vertebrae, pressing along in every single spot that needed attention, as though he could see exactly where I was hurting. A small moan slipped through my lips, but his fingers felt too good for me to feel any kind of embarrassment or shame. Instead, I leaned into the piano, letting my forehead rest on the keys, a soft _tink_ falling from them as I did so. 

“This might be easier if you lay on the couch.” Zac’s voice sounded hesitant, like he was struggling with something, but I couldn’t tell what, or even why he would sound that way. Instead, I just nodded and got up from the bench, walking almost zombie like to the couch where I plopped down on my stomach. I turned my head so I wasn’t smushed into the couch cushions and closed my eyes as Zac stood over me. I waited for him to begin the massage again, but when he didn’t, I opened my eyes and looked up at him. There was a look of something in his eyes, of fear maybe, and it kind of freaked me out, he didn’t have any reason to be afraid of me, why would he look like that? 

“Hey, you okay?” My voice came out a lot lower than I expected it to and I cleared my throat a couple of times. Zac looked into my eyes for a second before smiling a little and nodding his head, visibly shaking himself out of whatever stupor he had been in. 

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just, uh, well, I didn’t really think this part though? And I guess it would probably be better if I like… Straddled you?” His face turned more red than I’d seen it turn in a long time, not since I’d walked in on him looking at a dirty magazine when he was 13, and I couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Why are you acting like that’s such a weird thing? You’re giving me a massage, yeah, that’s the best position, ya weirdo. Stop overthinking things, you’re giving me a headache.” I closed my eyes again before I could see the eyeroll he was sure to have given me, but then I heard him move and felt pressure on the backs of my legs as he swung one leg over mine and wedged it against the back of the couch and my thigh. He leaned forward and placed both of his hands back onto my neck, the pressure even greater than before as he had a better vantage point. As his hands moved and worked out every single kink and knot in my back, I felt myself drifting into a state of not quite unconsciousness, but perhaps… Bliss? It sounded dumb, sure, but it had been so long since I’d felt so relaxed and I just wanted to exist in that plane forever. 

I don’t even know how long we were like that when all of a sudden, I realized my body was _too_ relaxed and I became extremely aware of a certain situation south of the border. I immediately stiffened my entire body and Zac froze. 

“You okay, did I hurt you?” 

“Uh, no, it’s fine, I, uh, just. Well, nevermind, it’s fine.” I wanted to remove myself from the situation, I was so embarrassed I couldn’t even think straight and I needed to be out from underneath my brother _immediately_. I tried to move and was met with resistance because, obviously, Zac was sitting on me, but then I felt… Something else. Something familiar, but that I’d never felt on another person before. Zac was hard and he was sitting on top of me while I was hard and I really needed to figure out a way out of the situation before he realized what was going on. 

“Wooah, if you needed to get up, all you needed to do was say so.” He grumbled as he struggled up from the couch. His knees must have gotten stiff as he sat there because it took him a second to find his balance, and even when he did, he staggered a little to stand upright. I barely noticed, though, as I bolted up and raced from the room, locking myself in the bathroom. I leaned into the sink and looked at myself in the mirror - What the fuck was I thinking? There was no way that my reaction had anything to do with Zac, right? I was getting a massage, it felt good, my body responded to it feeling good, I would have gotten hard no matter who gave me the massage. Right, that’s totally what it was. Even if Isaac gave my the massage, I’d still be in the same predicament. 

I almost threw up at the idea of getting hard by Isaac’s touch and a small voice in the back of my head was practically screaming at me about what it all meant. I couldn’t think about it because what it meant… Well, it wasn’t anything good, and it never would be good, and it would never happen, so really, it’s fine. Everything is fine. 

I splashed a handful of cold water over my face and dried it with a paper towel before taking a deep breath. I knew Zac would probably be wondering why I’d rushed out of there so quickly, and I needed to think of a reason why. I opened the door to the bathroom and of course, Zac was standing there, leaning against the wall, looking at me with concern flooding his eyes. 

“Dude, what happened? Are you okay? I really didn’t mean to hurt you.” He reached out and put a hand on my shoulder. I immediately flinched away from his touch and didn’t miss the hurt look on his face, but I couldn’t pay attention to that. I just nodded and pressed my back against the wall, inching myself around him and making sure no part of my body touched his as I did so.   
“Yes, it’s fine, I just had to pee.” The lie was a bad one, even by my standards, but I kept my gaze to the floor, not wanting to see Zac call me out on it silently. 

“Oh.” His tone was almost enough to make me break, to tell him what his touch had done to me, but then… I couldn’t do it. I couldn't ruin everything we’d spent so many years building. 

“You ready to head home? I think I’m done for the day.” Without waiting for an answer, I walked to my desk and grabbed my keys, coffee cup, and laptop bag, and made my way to the car, cursing my very existence as I waited for him to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for reading!!! Let me know what you think <3


	6. Chapter 6

Mom and dad called a family meeting three days after Zac and I had our… Encounter. Well, it wasn’t really a family meeting, it was a band meeting with mom involved because really, Isaac was too hot headed for his own good when he was at his best, and we were ready to tear each other limb from limb, and none of us were afraid of dad, but we were scared shitless by mom. 

Zac and I had spent the three days previous in the most awkward existence of our lives. Zac, of course, didn’t know what had happened, but I did, and I was so tuned in to every single movement of his that I knew when he was taking a shower or making a sandwich before I even knew what _I_ was doing. I made sure we didn’t touch unnecessarily, and kept a minimum one person distance between us when sitting on the couch. If Zac noticed, which of course he did because I was being so obvious, he didn’t say anything, and for that I could only be thankful. The last thing I needed was to deal with us on top of everything else going on in our lives. 

The car ride to our parents house was silent, save for the radio blaring loud enough to put on the illusion that neither of us could feel the tension between us. When I pulled into the driveway, Isaac’s 4 Runner was already there and I felt a little bit relieved. If we showed up before him, the appearance of an ambush or an intervention was likely, even with the parents having been the ones to call the meeting, so Zac and I walking in to see him there already… Maybe it would have a positive outcome.

Or maybe it would blow up in all of our faces. 

We didn’t bother knocking, we simply opened the door and made out way into the living room when a glance at the kitchen table turned up empty. Mom and dad were leaning back on the couch, looking cozy, while Isaac perched on the recliner, not settling in, looking as though he was giving himself plenty of time to bolt if, or rather, when, he decided to. The only place left to sit was on the love seat and I couldn’t help but cringe - Of course we could be forced to be so close together during the meeting that promised to be the worst of the century. 

I sat down as far to the left side as I could and Zac did the same on the right - He could read my mood, still, something I hated because of course he knew how weird I felt around him, but I was glad he seemed to be doing something to try to ease my mind… Even if it didn’t work. Isaac noticed my unease and snorted under his breath. I shot a glare in his direction and wanted to say something, but then I glanced over at mom and the look on her face told me I better not dare pick a fight, so I simply doubled the effort on my glare at my older brother and bit my tongue. 

“Boys, thank you all for coming here today. Your mother and I wanted to talk to you before you all headed out on this tour next week.” My stomach jumped at his words - Had they talked Isaac back into joining the band? 

“Okay, first of all, that’s not happening.” Isaac interrupted our dad and I slumped back against the couch - Of course they hadn’t. 

“Clarke Isaac, shut your mouth and listen to your father.” Isaac had the decency to look ashamed after being scolded, at least. 

“As I was saying, we wanted to talk to you about how things are going to work for tour.” He met each of our eyes and gave us a long, hard look before continuing. “This tour will go on. I don’t care what squabbles you all have had, but you will not be breaking any of the contacts we’ve signed, nor will we be issuing refunds on all of the sold out stops. You boys are a band, a business, a brand, and you will not tarnish that with your stupid, childish nonsense!” Shame coursed through my body and I felt like I was a child being admonished for acting up in class. 

“We’re grown men, dad, we can do what we want, and I, for one, am not joining these assholes on tour to promote a band I quit weeks ago.” I snapped my head up and looked at Isaac, shocked that he was so dead set on his choice. I really never thought he was going to quit the band, he just needed time to cool off. 

“Isaac, that’s not fair!” Zac spoke up before I had the chance and I looked over at him, hating the hurt on his face. “This is our life, we decided together to make this band and to make music for a living. We can’t do it without you!” 

“You can’t do it without me?! Oh pu-fucking-lease, Zac! You and Taylor have been close for so long, I’m surprised you haven’t gotten surgery to become joined at the hip. Why do you need me to be a band? You get along better when I’m not around.” I opened my mouth to protest, but he just glared at me and laughed. “Oh, don’t act like I’m an idiot, Taylor, I see what’s going on. You were there for the fight, you heard what I said. Don’t think that I don’t see it going both ways.” I could feel my face turn red as anger started bubbling up in my gut. He could say whatever he wanted to my face and make whatever insinuations he wanted to, but involving mom and dad when there was nothing going on… That was uncalled for and quite frankly, dangerous for all of us. 

“Isaac, can you just shut up for five minutes?” Dad raised his voice, saving me from saying something I would likely regret. I glanced over at Zac and saw him blinking rapidly and I knew he was trying to keep tears at bay. If he cried, Isaac would never let him hear the end of it. “Now, I don’t care what’s happened, but you’re going on this tour. I don’t care if I have to strap you onto the tour bus and drag you kicking and screaming on stage every night, Isaac, you will be going. We have too much invested in this to back out now. If you want to throw a tantrum, do it on your own time. This is band time, this is business time, and I expect you to act like the grown up you say you are and fulfill your responsibilities!” 

I wanted to stand up and give our dad a standing ovation, it was about time someone put Isaac in his place, but I wasn’t stupid enough to goad him. Instead, I looked back over at Zac and saw he had managed to regain some of his composure. He was no longer looking like he was about to cry and he was actually looking up at dad, a possible hint of a smile on his face. Dad was doing something Zac had never really been able to do, and likely never would be able to do, and he was enjoying the hell out of it. 

“The bus leaves at 4am on Friday in front of the studio. You have a long drive ahead of you and need to start early.” Mom got up and handed each of us a stapled together packet of papers. Looking at the first page, I could see it was the tour schedule - Venues, dates, bus calls, everything put together in the way we hadn’t done in the two weeks we’d failed to actually prep for the tour. Isaac flicked through the pages and rolled his eyes, I knew he was fighting back another fight, but when he kept silent, I felt relief flood through my veins - He gave in. We were going on tour. The band wasn’t over. 

We would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for all of the feedback!!! Can't wait to hear what you think of this one!


	7. Chapter 7

Fine, as it turns out, was a relative term. Zac and I barely spoke in the days leading up to the tour, communicating in mostly grunts and hand gestures. Packing was something we had down to a science, so it never took us long, but since we both needed to pretend to do something in order to avoid each other, we spent three days basically just _packing_. I even started a list of outfits I had put together and which one I could wear to each show and honestly, I never cared that much about what I wore that I actually planned it out ahead of time, but it wasted time like none other and I was desperate for that. 

Isaac’s words at our parents house kept running over and over in my head. _Don’t think that I don’t see it going both ways._ He’d accused Zac of being in love with me, and now he was accusing me of being in love with Zac, and I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Zac and I were close, of course, we always had been, and the small touches and the kinship and the massage,for Christ sake, the massage! But there was no way what Isaac said was true - He was just mad and lashing out and being an asshole because that’s what Isaac did best. Anger still shook me thinking about his accusations, too, because he had no right to go around saying those things in the first place, but then to say them in front of our parents was just about the most idiotic thing ever. I wanted to punch him, to break his nose, to snap his fingers so he couldn’t play his guitar, and I imagined each of those scenarios with great relish, until finally I just lay back on my bed and sighed.I needed to let go of my anger or I was going to spontaneously combust on tour. 

Friday morning came a lot quicker than I thought it would, though the shock of 4am would never be something I could get used to. As much as I was a morning person, four in the damn morning was just too early, even though it was for a good reason. None of my usual coffee shops were open as I drove to the studio, so I was forced to stop at QuikTrip and grab a coffee there, much to my dismay. Zac was sleeping in the passenger seat, so I didn’t even bother to get him anything. He always seemed to be able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat, something I was insanely jealous of. 

I had already chugged half of it by the time I parked at the studio. Our bus was parked in the middle of the street, being loaded up with all of our equipment and such, and I pulled up behind it, hopping out to unload Zac and my’s bags. Dad helped me get them stowed away and I got back in the car to get it parked. Zac was still passed out, his head leaning against the window, mouth open, a little bit of drool collecting in the corner. A smile formed on my face before I realized it and I leaned over, swiping at the saliva with my thumb. He stirred a little and sat up, blinking a few times before looking over at me groggily. 

“Are we there yet?” I couldn’t help but laugh, we had been on the defense with each other so much lately that him letting his guard down set my stomach blazing with butterflies. 

“We just got the bus packed up, I’m taking the car to the locked lot.” Zac nodded and I expected him to get out of the car to get on the bus to continue sleeping, but when he didn’t reach for the door handle, I put the car in reverse and made my way to the lot. It was right down the street, so it wasn’t a long walk at all, but it was a little cool for a September morning, so I shivered in my shorts and tshirt when I got out of the car. Zac grabbed his backpack and slung it over his shoulder before falling in step next to me. 

“Are you worried?” Zac’s voice almost got lost in the breeze, but I’d spent my entire life listening to him, so I didn’t miss a word. 

“A little.” I admitted sheepishly. I didn’t want to appear weak, I was his older brother after all, but there was no reason to lie to him about my feelings. 

“Me too.” I looked over at him and he was worrying his lower lip between his teeth, a habit he’d had since he was a kid. If he wasn’t careful, he would make himself bleed - it wouldn’t be the first time. 

“Stop that.” I chastised him quietly and reached out, pulling his lip from his teeth with my thumb. A shock ran through me when I did and I knew Zac felt it too because he just looked at me like I had punched him. Instead of saying anything, I just gave him a small smile and shrugged before quickening my pace to make it to the bus without having to say another word. 

Isaac was already sitting on the couch, his laptop on his lap when I climbed aboard. I tried to smile, or at least give a semi-friendly greeting, but I knew I failed when he simply rolled his eyes at me and looked back down at the screen. I sighed and walked past him to the bunks, throwing my messenger bag onto the top bunk in the second column. Zac always got the bottom bunk because no matter how old he got, he always seemed to be able to fall out of the bunk no matter what he was doing, and falling out of the bottom bunk hurt a heck of a lot less than falling out of the top. 

Zac stumbled in, clearly still half-asleep, and didn’t even look at Isaac. I had a really bad feeling that things were just going to get worse and that mom and dad were going to regret making us do this, but hey, the show must go on, right? He walked over to me and just stared, finally giving me a look that said “get the fuck out of my way.” 

“Uh, hello? Back room is mine, can you move?” Zac finally spoke and I rolled my eyes, but flattened my back against the bunks, a shiver running down my spine as his body made contact with the front of mine as he squeezed past. What the fuck was even wrong with me? Thankfully he didn’t notice my reaction, or if he did, he just ignored it and went to the back room. I wanted to follow him because the alternative would be going up to the front of the bus with Isaac, but I couldn’t chance another reaction like the one I’d just had. 

I pulled my laptop out of my messenger bag and went to the front of the bus, setting everything up on the table. Isaac glanced up at me and rolled his eyes yet again, but didn’t say a word before going back to whatever it was he was doing. The simple gesture made me so angry I wanted to scream, to walk over to him and punch him in the face, anything to show him just how much his actions were affecting me. But, of course, I couldn’t do that, so I just bit my lip, opened the lid to my laptop, and started checking my email. 

\--

I don’t even know how many hours passed before we had to make our first stop for fuel. I got lost in my work, as usual, and didn’t even notice we’d stopped until Zac practically came barreling down the hall from the back of the bus. I snapped my head up and looked around, trying to get my bearings. Zac stopped next to me and gave me a small nudge on the shoulder. 

“You gonna come in and get our usual junk food haul?” His voice had a note of hesitance to it, like he was afraid I would reject him, and it made me want to reach out and give him a hug, no matter how inappropriate the response might be. A small snort sounded from across the room and I looked over at Isaac, who was shaking his head and giving us a disgruntled look.   
“Can you guys tone down your need to be disgusting in front of me? It’s bad enough that my brothers are gross pervs who fuck each other, the last thing I need is to have to witness it.” 

“Yo, what the fuck is your problem?!” I jumped up from my seat, practically pushing Zac out of the way, and took a few large steps until I was practically nose to nose with Isaac. 

“You and he are my problem, Taylor. I thought I made that perfectly clear.” He was clearly wanting to fight, the sound in his voice told me as much, and I wanted to give in so badly. I probably would have, honestly, except then I felt a hand wrap around my wrist and pull me away from my older brother. 

“He isn’t worth it, Tay. Let’s just go.” Zac leaned in and whispered in my ear, and despite my anger, I couldn’t help but get a little… Turned on by having his lips so close to me. I unconsciously leaned back into his touch and closed my eyes, trying to calm down enough to leave the bus without punching something. When I opened them again, Isaac was looking between me and Zac like we were the most vile things he’d ever seen in his life. The need to protect Zac from the look outweighed my want to hurt my older brother, and I turned around, taking Zac’s hand, practically pulling him off of the bus with me. 

We were inside of the truck stop before I realized I was still holding his hand. I dropped it as though it had burned me and felt my face flush. “I hate that he’s such an asshole.” I mumbled, trying to cover my faux pas. 

“Yeah, well. That’s what alcoholics are, right?” I didn’t feel like correcting Zac, not all alcoholics were assholes, but considering our only real interaction with one was our, indeed, asshold older brother, I couldn’t really hold it against him. 

“I just hope that tour is easy. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle him if he decides to be such a jerk for the next three months.” Zac shrugged, it was clear he wanted to say something, but he just shook his head and started hunting for all of our favorite road trip snacks. 

Three bags and $50 bucks later, we made our way back to the bus and holed up in the back room, dumping out all of the food onto the end table there. Zac’s video game was still paused on the screen and I made myself comfortable on the couch while he started playing again. I was never good at the kinds of video games he played, they required way too much dexterity and the ability know which buttons you needed to press without looking down at the controller, something I never really mastered. Give me a good game of Mario Party anyday, but throw Halo at me and I was lost. As such, I started drifting off once we got on the highway and I lost interest in the game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping I can get at least one more chapter of this posted before I start Camp Nano next Monday... Wish me luck! Comments will definitely encourage me ;) :p


	8. Chapter 8

When I woke up, the bus was dark, the only light in the room coming from the TV as Zac battled whatever the hell it was he was battling. 

“Time is it?” I mumbled, stretching with my arms above my head and giving a loud groan. Zac glanced over at me, and if I didn’t know any better, I could have sworn his eyes landed on the strip of stomach that showed where my shirt rode up as I yawned. No, no way. He wouldn’t do that, he has no reason to, stop projecting, Taylor, I scolded my inner thoughts. I was so caught up in my own brain that I completely missed what Zac was saying. I only even realized he’d seemed to ask me a question because he was looking at me like he was expecting an answer. 

“Oh, wait, what? Sorry, I kinda drifted.” 

“I said, it’s a little after eight, you slept most of the day, but we should be stopping to grab something for dinner soon. Did you have anywhere in particular you wanted to go?” He spoke to me like he was speaking to a small child and part of me wanted to punch him. It was his fault I’d gotten so distracted in the first place, dammit. 

“Oh, uh, no, I don’t really care, you know me, I’ll eat whatever.” I straightened up on the couch and looked out the window, seeing nothing outside but dark. We must be driving through the plains or something - Somewhere with no outdoor lighting, anyway. “Do you know where we are?” Zac shook his head, turning his attention back to his game. 

“Nah. It all starts looking the same after a few hours, why pay attention?” 

We stopped for dinner a little over an hour later at a truck stop with Subway or McDonald’s as a choice. I groaned internally, what great options, but chose to go with McDonald’s because well, fries, of course. Zac tagged along with me, as I knew he would because he couldn’t resist a quarter pounder with cheese for his life, while Isaac quickly made his way through the Subway line. I tried to keep an eye on him so we wouldn’t run into him again, no need to have more than one fight a day, though sharing a bus would make that more difficult than anything. When I was done ordering, I looked around and couldn’t find him anywhere, and while a pit of worry started in my stomach, I just tried to push it down, rationalize that there were only so many places he could do, and likely he’d just gone back to the bus. Right. He just went back to the bus. 

We were given 30 minutes at the stop, so instead of heading back into the bus with our food, Zac and I sat at one of the tables inside and inhaled our food, acting as though we haven’t just bought a crap ton of junk food earlier. Well, to my credit, I’d taken a few hour long nap and hadn’t eaten anything, but the empty chip bags and ding dong wrappers on the floor of the back room had told me Zac had been indulging. My mind drifted to our altercation with Isaac earlier in the day and I felt my face go red as I remembered his accusations coupled with how I felt being so close to my little brother. Maybe there was something to what Isaac was saying afterall. 

“Earth to Taylor.” I snapped out of my head and focused my eyes on Zac who was waving his hand in front of my face. 

“Huh, what? Sorry, I just kinda -” Zac interrupted. 

“Drifted? Yeah, you’ve been doing that a lot lately. You okay?” My face grew even more hot - I had been caught. 

“Yeah, I just have a lot on my mind. I’m really worried about Isaac and tour and just, I dunno, I can’t focus.” A strange smile wound itself onto Zac’s face and my interest was piqued, against my better judgement. 

“You need something to try to take the edge off?” A practically barked a laugh out at his offer, of course he’d brought weed with him on tour. Why didn’t I realize that right away? Normally I turned him down when he offered to get me high, I didn’t like being too out of control after too many incidents in my youth, but it sounded like a good idea. Maybe it would help me relax and help me focus. 

“Yeah, I think I do, actually.” The shock on Zac’s face was brief, but flashed long enough for me to catch it. It was rare I caught him off guard, so I was counting that as a small victory. We picked up our trash and made out way back to the bus, trading small glances back and forth. The air felt almost electric, like something was about to happen, but it was probably in my head - We were going to smoke a joint together and that was all. What the hell else could happen?

Isaac was sprawled out on the couch when we got onto the bus and he groaned under his breath when he saw us. “Just when I thought I could have some peace and quiet.” Zac just flipped him off and started walking to the back of the bus, but I stopped walking, putting myself right between Isaac and the TV he was watching, and glared at him. 

“Look, I don’t understand why you’re being such an asshole, it’s not my fault you have a liquor problem and don’t want to keep your commitments to the band and to the fans. That’s on you, and you need to suck it up and get the fuck over it because we haven’t even been on the road for 24 hours and I’m ready to throw you out the window.” I could feel Zac’s eyes on me, pleading with me to follow him into the back room and away from Isaac, but I couldn’t do it - Someone needed to get through to Isaac that his behavior was not going to be tolerated when we had a job to do. 

“You think I have a liquor problem? HA!” Isaac straightened up on the couch before standing up, swaying slightly as he gained his footing - Wonderful, he was loaded. “I don’t have any kind of problem with anything, Taylor, except for you and Zac. You’re the one with the problem in the substance department, remember?” He laughed as he placed a finger on one of his nostrils and inhaled sharply with the other. “Don’t forget who took you to rehab the first time, Tay-Tay, and don’t act like you’re better than me.” 

A growl I had never heard before ripped it’s way from my throat as I lunged at my older brother. He was unprepared for the contact and as such, we both fell back onto the couch, my fists hitting him wherever I could catch. In the back of my head, it felt vaguely reminiscent of Zac and Isaac’s fight not too long ago, but I was too angry to stop myself. 

“Fuck you, you drunk prick, you’ll do or say anything to make us so angry at you that we forget all about the issue.” I felt a hand on my bad, and immediately stopped hitting my older brother. The hand brought me a sense of peace and calm and I looked back to see Zac standing next to me, giving me a look I recognized but couldn’t place. 

“Get the fuck off of me!” Isaac pushed me and I fell backward, landing on my butt at Zac’s feet. He pulled himself up onto the couch, huffing a little from being out of breath. “Nothing I do or say stops the fact that my two little brothers are fucking, so excuse me for having a reason to drown myself in alcohol. I would like to forget that you two exist.” My jaw dropped at his words - Where the hell did he even get such an idea?! 

“I don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about, Isaac, but -” Zac leaned down and put a hand under my armpit, hauling me to my feet, cutting me off. 

“Isaac, you need help. Fuck you.” Zac said simply before pulling me with him to the back of the bus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh I managed one more!!! I have maybe half of another written, I'm hoping I'll be able to post it over the weekend before Camp Nano, but no promises....
> 
> And sorry about the cliffhanger!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter I'm posting until May! Camp Nano has started and I'll be working on another project exclusively (Zaylor, of course :p)

It took a few minutes for me to even be able to see straight once I was locked in the back bedroom with Zac. I hadn’t realized how hard I was breathing until I wasn’t focusing on beating the life out of the person in front of me, and suddenly I couldn’t catch my breath fast enough. 

“Slow down, you’re going to hyperventilate if you keep doing that.” Zac sat down on the couch next to me and placed a hand on my knee, squeezing it slightly. The pressure gave me something to focus on, however unintentional it was, and I was able to calm down without blacking out. 

“I think I was gonna kill him.” I admitted in a low voice, feeling a little ashamed at how poorly I’d reacted to Isaac’s taunting. 

“I don’t think you would have, I just think you feel like you wanted to.” Zac squeezed my knee again and I almost jumped, not expecting the touch, but managed to stay still. 

“I really did.” I looked over at Zac and caught him staring at me. We both looked away quickly, a blush making its way up my neck to my face, making me feel as though I was on fire. I coughed to mask my discomfort and ran a hand through my hair. “Where has he come up with this idea about us, and why is he so insistent about it?” 

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say because Zac withdrew his hand from where it was resting and got up from the couch, busying himself looking for something. “Honestly, I don’t know. I think he’s probably been on the internet too long and has let all the crazy fan conspiracies get to his head.” He tried to laugh, only it came out more like a hacking cough, and I could practically feel how uncomfortable he was with the conversation. 

Instead of saying something to keep the talk going, I decided to let it rest for his benefit and simply slumped back on the couch, watching him as he pulled something out of his backpack and something else out of his duffle bag. 

“Okay, what the heck are you even doing?” I finally asked when I couldn’t take it anymore. Zac turned around with a huge smile on his face and a bong in his hands. 

A bong. In his hands. 

“Where did you even get that?!” I laughed and shook my head. “I’ve never seen that before, it’s gotta be new right?” He nodded. 

“You know that new head shop off 41st and Sheridan? Yeah, I paid them a visit yesterday because I wanted to get a new pipe and some rolling papers and then I saw this and well, come on Tay, isn’t she beautiful?!” He took a few steps toward the couch and sat down next to m, practically thrusting the piece into my hand. I took it awkwardly, not really sure what to do with it. “I’m letting you have the first hit!” Zac sounded like I should be honored with his decision, but all I could do was look up at him, back down at the bong, and then back up at him again, likely with confusion coloring every fiber of my being. 

“I’ve never hit a bong before, I kinda don’t know how.” I admitted sheepishly. It felt like I should have experienced this before, but I’d never been a weed person, so why would I have?

“Seriously?” Zac gave me the most disbelieving look in the world before shrugging and taking it back from me. “Okay, well, it’s not like it’s that hard. Here, I’ll show you.” He lit it up and I watched in awe as he let the smoke fill the cylinder before he inhaled it all in one go. It was kind of hot to see him do it and I was so lost in what I had seen that I completely missed what he said. 

“Huh?” I focused my gaze onto him and he just smiled, holding the lighter out to me. 

“Your turn.” I shook my head. 

“No, I don’t think this is a good idea, I don’t know what I’m doing.” 

“Oh my god Taylor, it’s literally impossible to mess it up, just light it and inhale the smoke. It’s like a pipe but bigger!” I shook my head again, I really couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of doing it at that point, it was more likely I would just choke. “Oh for the love…” He trailed off as he bent over the bong and lit it again, inhaling all of the smoke in one go, same as the first time. Only this time, he reached out his arm, wrapped his hand around my neck, and brought our lips together. 

I was so shocked by his actions that I didn’t even move. Why was he kissing me? And why was he kissing me with a mouthful of weed smoke?! It took me a second too late to realize he wasn’t actually kissing me, but trying to shotgun the hit, something I’d only done a couple of times before, and never with someone of the same sex, let alone my brother. He opened his mouth and the smoke floated out and I reacted, automatically opening my mouth and inhaling to accept the hit. It went down smooth, a lot smoother than any pot I’d ever smoked before, and I let myself linger in the moment, closing my eyes and just breathing everything in. 

“Was that easier for you?” Zac’s voice came out in almost a whisper and I jumped a little, my eyes snapping open like I’d forgotten he was even there. 

“Yeah.” I couldn’t even come up with more words for a response because he was in my space, so much in my space, and his lips were right there, and things had been so confusing for so long, maybe…

“Do you want to do it again?” I nodded, keeping my movements to a minimum as though any sudden moves might scare him off. Zac let his hand fall from my neck and he lit the bong again, taking another hit a lot quicker than the other two. This time, he didn’t have to guide me, I instantly moved in so that our lips were pressed together, his mouth opening immediately to let me inhale. My lips were tingling where they met Zac’s and I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust. I inhaled sharply as he shifted and increased the pressure on my lips, making it feel as though we truly were _almost_ kissing.

I froze, unsure if he meant to do that, but then he started moving his lips a little bit and he was kissing me! I responded without even thinking about it, moving my lips along with his while I shifted to get closer to him. I was practically sitting in his lap by the time I stopped moving, but I didn’t even think about it because his hands were on my shoulders, gripping them as though he would float away without the contact. 

Zac’s mouth was still open and I slid my tongue inside, groaning at the feeling of touching his tongue with my own. It was so foreign - I’d kissed plenty of people before, but I’d never kissed him, and it was so different, but it also felt as though it was something I could do for the rest of my life. My hands moves up his chest and grabbed his shirt, bringing him closer to me, if it was even possible, and he let out an exhale as though he was holding his breath. The movement jerked me out of the trance I had been pulled under and I jerked away from him, eyes opened wider than they had probably ever been. 

“Uh, I don’t think we were supposed to do that.” I knew I sounded like a complete idiot, of course we weren’t supposed to be making out, we were _brothers_. 

“Yeah…” Zac trailed off, leaning back against the couch and closing his eyes. I brought my fingers to my lips and I swear, they were almost numb, as though Zac’s touch had turned me into stone. A laugh sounded from next to me and I snapped my head up, seeing Zac watching me. I instantly turned red and let my hand drop to my lap - I had been caught and I didn’t like it. He wasn’t supposed to see the effect he had on me. 

“It’s okay, ya know.” He reached out and put a hand on my knee, giving it a quick squeeze before letting it rest on the couch between us.I just snorted under my breath and shook my head. 

“There’s nothing okay about this.” I sighed and leaned into the couch, hoping if I leaned back with enough pressure, the furniture would eat me up. Zac giggled and I looked up at him, sending a glare his way. “I don’t know what the hell could possible be funny about this.” 

“It is funny though!” He insisted, his head falling back against the wall. “Here we are, fighting with Isaac because he’s an asshole and thinks we’re fucking and then we come back here and make out.” I tried really hard not to laugh because truly, there wasn’t anything humorous about it, but the pot was hitting me and I couldn’t help but let out a little giggle myself. “SEE!” Zac lifted his arm and pointed a finger at me. “It’s funny!” 

“God, it really isn’t though!” I said breathlessly between laughs. Once we both started, we couldn’t stop. Once we would start calming down, he would look at me or I would look at him and we’d just start laughing all over again. Eventually, we managed to stop laughing and sat on the couch together, basking in the high that was definitely there now. 

“Maybe he’s right.” Zac whispered out of the blue. 

“About what?” I didn’t even turn my head to look at him, I was too comfortable in my position. 

“Maybe I am in love with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...... I'm really sorry guys. But like. I'm sorry hahahahahah


	10. Chapter 10

Speechless was a word I didn’t often find in my vocabulary - I, Jordan Taylor Hanson, am a man of many words, whether they’re wanted, warranted, or appropriate, but Zac’s admission had left me absolutely stumped. Maybe the weed was just hitting me harder than I’d expected, or maybe it was hitting Zac harder than _he’d_ expected. Either way, there was no possible way that he said what I thought he said and actually meant it. I tried to think of something to say, anything useful, hell, anything at all, but the only thing I could do was laugh. 

So I did. 

Laughs poured out of my mouth harder than I could even breathe, leaving me leaning against the back of the couch, trying not to pass out. I didn’t miss the hurt that flashed over Zac’s face, but I was laughing too hard to stop. I wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, to tell him that what he felt wasn’t romantic love, it was just misplaced affection since we were in such a cramped space, but I couldn’t make the words form in my mouth, let alone speak them. 

“Fuck you, Taylor.” Zac hissed between gritted teeth as he got up from the couch and threw a pillow at my head. “Seriously, fuck you.” I was gasping for breath at that point, but the pain I saw come across his face was now coming through in his voice and I would be damned if I was the person to make him feel that way. I tried to speak his name, but I was panting too hard, so I just shoved myself to my feet and reached out, grabbing him by the wrist.

“Don’t touch me.” He looked down at his arm as though I’d burned him and I could feel dread pooling in my stomach. He looked like he was about to cry and I didn’t know what to do about that - How the fuck was I supposed to react to what he’d said?! How would any sane person react? Well, probably not by laughing incessantly in their face, for starters, but that was beside the point! 

“Zac, stop.” I’d finally regained control over my body and reached out again, this time grabbing his shirt hem instead of his skin. “Please, don’t go.” 

Zac glared down at me and pulled his shirt out of my grip as tears formed in his eyes. 

“What, you didn’t laugh at me enough? You need to do it more?” I took one step toward Zac, then another and another until I was in his personal space, closer than he let most people get - Most people who weren’t me, anyway. 

“I’m sorry.” I whispered as I reached out yet again to put my hands on his hips. “You just kinda shocked me.”

Zac looked like he wanted to move away from me again, to get as far from me as he could, but he stayed put, though it felt like I was touching a statue for how rigid he was. 

“Just forget it.” He mumbled, looking down at the ground. I shook my head and squeezed his hips. His gaze stayed lowered, so I tilted my head until my face was underneath of his, forcing him to look at me. I could tell he wanted to keep frowning, he didn’t want to give in to the smile forming on his lips, but when I managed to grin up at him, he couldn’t help but return it. 

“We okay?” I lifted my head back up so that I was standing upright and he followed, keeping eye contact with me. 

“Yeah, we’re okay.”

I moved my hands from his hips and slipped them around his back, pulling him to me in a tight embrace. I’d forgotten just how good it felt to be touching someone when I was high, like I was on fire, but in a good way. It took him a second, but Zac finally brought his arms up around me and returned the hug. I closed my eyes and let a small smile form over my face, content in the moment, Zac’s confession barely a memory at the back of my mind. 

\--

Portland, Oregon was one of my least favorite cities to visit. It had nothing to do with the fans or the people, but the Pacific Northwest was always so dreary and cold and just freaking miserable. Seattle was the same, sure, but at least it had the draw that it was, well, _Seattle_. Still, the fans were passionate and came out in droves for our shows up there, so we were hard pressed to leave them out, no matter how much I hated it. 

We pulled up to our hotel on Saturday afternoon, a little behind schedule, but since the show wasn’t until the next night, it wasn’t like we were on too strict of a time table. Our assistant, Rebecca, got us all checked in and handed out keys and explained that we had the rest of the day and night to do what we wanted, but we needed to meet at the venue at 9am sharp for press the next morning. Zac stood next to me and groaned at the idea of doing press, but secretly I was excited - See aforementioned love of talking about everything and nothing. 

“What room you in?” I looked over at Zac and bumped him in the shoulder. After we’d made up from me being a dick, we just camped out in front of the TV and put on some show I’d never be able to recall even if a gun was pointed to my head, and ate through all of the goodies we’d bought at the previous truck stop. Munchies, indeed.

“514, you?” He avoided looking at my face, choosing instead to fiddle with the keychain on his back pack. 

“520.” I shrugged and started toward the elevator, though I stopped short when Isaac’s voice rang out loud behind me. 

“Oh hell no, I am not sharing a room with one of you.” I turned around and Isaac’s face was burning red and he looked mad enough to attack. 

“Oh my god, can we please get through one day without your fucking dramatics?” I glared at him and he glared right back. 

“I’m in 514, you’re switching with me.” I wanted to protest, mostly because I just wanted to piss him off, but then I saw the look of… was it fear, on Zac’s face, and I knew I couldn’t leave him to deal with our older brother. 

“Fine.” I clenched my jaw and held out my key card. He walked past me, grabbing it out of my hand and tossing the one to 514 in my direction, though it landed on the ground. I wanted to punch him so bad, why did he have to be such an asshole all the damn time? I leaned down and picked the card up off the floor. When I straightened up, Zac was in front of me, smiling. 

“You didn’t have to do that, ya know.” 

I shrugged and placed a hand on his arm, giving it a quick squeeze before letting it fall back to my side. 

“I know, but you don’t deserve to deal with his wrath over something he’s made up in his head.”

Zac shook his head and looked down at the floor, mumbling something that sounded something like “But he didn’t”, but the idea of getting into that conversation with him at that moment terrified me, so I didn’t ask him to repeat himself.

We walked to the elevator in silence and rode to our room the same way. It had only been a few hours since we’d been high, but suddenly it felt like something strange had passed over us and I didn’t know how to fix it. As soon as we were inside of the room, Zac andI each dumped our stuff on the floor in front of our beds and lay down, happy to be out of the bus. It had only been a little over 24 hours, but it sure felt like a lot longer when stuck somewhere so small. 

“Wanna go get food?” Zac finally asked after a few minutes of laying down in awkward silence and I readily nodded my agreement. Maybe that would be enough to get us back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL. I AM THE WORST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH FOR LEAVING YOU ON THAT CLIFFHANGER FOR 4 WEEKS! I didn't even remember doing it til I went back to write Chapter 10 today and had to re-read Chapter 9 and I wanted to PUNCH MYSELF for it!!! Thank you for bearing with me, hopefully this was worth the wait!


	11. Chapter 11

Dinner was _not_ enough to bring us back to normal. I tried several times to start a conversation only to realize I had no what idea to say and shut my mouth without speaking a word. Zac looked like he was struggling the same amount, which made me feel a _little_ better, but really, I just wanted things to feel okay between us again. I kept rolling the scene in the bus over and over in my head, his words echoing inside of my brain until I wanted to bash my head against the wall to make it stop. How could he say something like that? He thinks he’s in love with me? We’re brothers, for fuck sake, how could that even begin to happen, let alone work?! 

The voice inside of my head started trying to chip in, however, and before I knew it, I was thinking about all the ways that I reacted to Zac’s touch, to the things he said, to anything and everything he did. But that was completely normal! We had an unorthodox relationship, sure, but we grew up together in the spotlight, that’s not the kind of bond most siblings have, so of course we’re going to be closer! _But then why aren’t you and Isaac that close? And Zac and Isaac?_ My conscience tried to counter, because of fucking course my conscience wanted to drive me insane, when Zac finally managed to find something to say. 

“I know I already asked it, but are we really okay?” 

I glanced up at him from my plate and felt my heart break. He looked so lost and so vulnerable and all I wanted to do was hug him and fix whatever was in him that was so broken. 

“Zac, of course we’re okay. I’m still processing, but you’re my brother, you’re my best friend. Nothing could ever come between us.” I could tell he wanted to say something more, probably to argue with me, but then he bit his lower lip instead and shrugged his shoulders. Without thinking, I reached across the table and used my thumb to pull it away before he did any damage. “What have I told you about doing that?” I murmured before I realized what I’d done. 

It was such an intimate act, would normal siblings even notice when their brother was doing something like that, let alone touch their lip and pull it away?! I tried to rationalize every little thing in my mind, but all I could come up with was no, normal siblings wouldn’t notice it, and maybe Zac had a point. 

“Tay -” 

I got up from the table and cut Zac off before he could say more than my name. “I’ll meet you back at the hotel, I, I -” I looked around me, trying to find an escape, anywhere I could go to try to think straight. “I gotta get outta here, I’m sorry.” I turned around and bolted out of the restaurant, trying hard not to look back at the state I’d left Zac in - I knew if I saw his face, I would break and I could not afford to do that. Not at that point, not ever. 

\--

The next morning was torture - I’d beaten Zac back to the hotel room and had holed up in my bed as soon as I got there. He came in only half an hour after I did, but my back was to the door on purpose and I made sure to even out my breathing so that it would appear as though I was sleeping. I kept my eyes squeezed shut until I knew he was safely in bed, though there was a period of a few minutes where I could have sworn I felt his presence standing next to my bed. I wanted to look, to see if I was right or just crazy, but if I was right and he was there, I didn’t know what I would have been able to say. 

I woke up before my alarm and tossed on the first outfit on top of my suitcase - Yes, I pack my suitcase in outfits, and no I don’t care how girly it makes me sound. Something I mix things up, but at least I don’t show up in grey pants and a blue shirt with ratty, brown tennis shoes like some people I know. I knew I looked like crap though, because Rebecca gave me a double take when I made it downstairs before anyone else… Or maybe that was because I was never on time, let alone early, so she was surprised that she didn’t have to wake me up with a bullhorn to my ear. 

“Coffee shop next door is open.” She pointed to the left and I gave her a quick smile before heading out the door. Caffeine was a necessity on any day, but especially days where we had press, a show, and I’d gotten little sleep. Oh, and my little brother had told me he was in love with me recently, too, so really, it was just lucky that I was _only_ planning on mainlining coffee. 

The barista was kind, though I saw her eyes light up with recognition as soon as I lifted my eyes to meet hers. I think she might’ve seen the silent plea on my face for her to not say anything, though, because all she did was give me a much bigger smile than anyone had a right to give at 6 in the morning and practically threw my bagel at me in her excitement. I couldn’t help but laugh and gave her the best smile I could manage as a thank you for just being normal - Normal was in short demand in the circles I ran, and sometimes I forgot just how much I missed it until I experienced it again. I sat at one of the tables and drank my first cup as quick as possible, hoping for the caffeine to hit before I had to deal with either of my brothers for the day. I got a refill and fixed it up how I liked it before heading back to the hotel lobby. It was only 6:30am and we didn’t have to be downstairs until 7, so I figured I could find a dark corner and play on my phone until it was time to go. 

Of course, as fate would have it (that bitch), as soon as I walked in, I saw Zac standing by the entrance, hands stuffed in his pocket and watching the door - He had been waiting for me. 

I took a deep breath and tightened my grip on the coffee cup in my hand before plastering on a smile and walking up to him. “Since when are you every up before you have to be?” 

Zac just shrugged and looked down at his shoes - brown, ratty tennis shoes - and pressed his toes to the ground. “I didn’t sleep at all last night, so I figured why stay in bed?” 

I struggled to think of something to say, I didn’t want to reveal that I’d had the same issues because then he would ask why I hadn’t woken him up so we could talk and that was just _not_ the conversation I was willing to have too early in the morning. Or ever, honestly. Finally, I ended up just nodding my head in agreement and shoving my one free hand in my pocket as I brought my coffee to my lips to take a sip. 

“I know you didn’t sleep last night either.” He mumbled before turning and heading to the chairs at the corner of the lobby. I knew his intention was for me to come with him, but I wanted to avoid doing that as much as possible. I really thought about ditching him and just going back up to the room for the 15 minutes we had left before leaving, but that was too much of a dick move - I wasn’t trying to act like Isaac or anything. I reluctantly followed him and sat down in the chair next to him, folding one of my legs up under me. 

“If you knew, why didn’t you try to talk to me?” I asked after a beat, once it became clear Zac wasn’t going to talk first. He shrugged and looked down at the floor. 

“With the way you left me at the restaurant, it’s not like you wanted to talk to me. Why would I force it?” As much as I hated to admit it, he had a point - I wouldn’t have tried to talk to me either. 

“I didn’t mean to freak out on you. I just got really overwhelmed and needed time to think. Alone.” Needed time to freak out about my possible feelings for my little brother, I thought to myself bitterly, making a face at myself in my head. 

“What was that face for?” Zac’s hurt expression was enough to let me know that the look I have myself had obviously made its way to the real world. 

“Shit, it was a look I was giving myself, not you.” I put the coffee cup down on the floor next to my chair and leaned toward him, reaching out to place a hand on his wrist. “You know I need time to process stuff, Zac, please don’t be mad at me.” I felt stupid asking that of him, why should I apologize for having to process my feelings? But then the broken look on his face reminded me that, oh yeah, because he kind of spilled guts to me and all I did was laugh at him. 

“It’s fine.” He said shortly, pulling his arm out of my grasp. I tried to reach out again, desperate to do something or say something to fix the situation, but Zac glanced up and sat up more straight and I looked to see Isaac and Rebecca approaching us. 

“Of course you guys are already up to your shit. Isn’t it too early in the morning for this?” Isaac rolled his eyes and crossed his arms in front of him. I stood up abruptly and took two steps toward him, ready to lay into him. The coffee had finally kicked in and I wasn’t in the mood for his attitude. 

“Can you stop being an asshole for a day? Like, is that even remotely possible for you?” I hissed. I took another step forward, but a hand on my shoulder stopped me from continuing. I glanced back and Zac had stood up to stop me. The pleading look in his eyes told me he didn’t want us to fight, and I felt myself giving into what he wanted, just like I always did. 

“Awww, your little boy toy has so much control over you, doesn’t he?” Isaac’s voice made me want to throw up and kick him in the dick and punch him in the stomach all at once. 

“Ah, okay then gentlemen, I don’t quite know what’s gotten hold of you all, but you need to calm down. We’re leaving for the radio station and the last thing we need is for them to get an eye or ear full of your stupidity.” Rebecca stepped between Isaac and me and gave us each a pointed look as she spoke. I wanted to argue, but we’d hired her for a reason - She was a hard ass, but she knew her shit and looked out for our best interests. 

“Fine.” I said under my breath before I looked behind me at Zac. “You coming?” He nodded and let his hand drop from my shoulder as we walked out to the town car waiting to take us to the radio station. What a great way to start the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh holy cow thanks for bearing with me on the wait for the update on this one! I know not too much happened, but I promise things are coming! Let me know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first part of something that shouldn't be _too_ long (yeah, I know, famous last words!). Let me know what you think!


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